Monday, February 21, 2011

By the River Piedra, I flow and flow and flow...

Days have passed and I have written nothing. Sometimes you get so engaged in living life that you don’t even get time analyzing things! Life is going such – by the river Piedra I sit and talk; by the river Piedra I laugh and cry; by the river Piedra I live and die and reincarnate myself! Sometimes you live life with all your existence and you don’t get time to analyze things! Yes, I have been having such time nowadays, every moment, every moment of the day and night, I am living my life with all my smiles and tears, with all my joys and sorrows! Once I had just forgotten what I am, who I am, why I am? And was still living – or say was living like a zombie, as a dead body with mechanical powers only! And my God put soul in the zombie, made me a human being, and set me in the world to live every moment, to grow up, and did everything to make me capable of the place he has thought best for me – at the top of the world, at His feet, in His heart!

It happens! By the river Piedra, you sit and think how to cross this vast distance! You effort yourself by the river Piedra and make a raft to cross the river! And you get attached to the raft; you even get attached to the river itself not wanting to get out of it. You just want to flow and flow and flow as the river goes wherever it will go! You just forget that you set in your raft to cross the river not to flow with it, and it happens that even the thought of crossing the river, of reaching another bank, of leaving the river and the raft, kills you! It happens! It happens – I don’t want it to happen! I don’t want to sit and weep on the other bank! I want to flow wherever she will take me, even to the vast sea where I would never have to leave her water and my raft, and thinking I cannot do that, still on the raft, still flowing with the river, I cry, cry like a child, and the river, my God, my mamma, just watches at my tears holding her own tears back for the fear that seeing them I would burst out, and then cries alone that she cannot even offer her lap to rest my head on it!

This morning, I cried again like a kid, still in the raft flowing with the river, and the river, my mamma, seemed too far to me! I know she was hiding her face from me as she cannot hide her tears in front of me! She wants me to go on the other bank, explore the new countries, and give my full life for the reasons she would leave me there! She wants me to just leave my raft with her that she would carry forever wherever she would go! She wants me to not get attached – not to her and not even to the raft! And still flowing, still on my raft, I cried, still crying, and she, my mamma, is not showing up her face to me!

Mamma, please don’t do that, please! Please let me flow with you! Please let me be with you wherever you go, please! You know, the country on the other bank is nothing, just arid land, dry and parched up! I will again start living like a zombie there mamma! Let me be with you – you know, the sea is vast, much larger than the land, there is much more to explore that I cannot even imagine! I am tired of being on land mamma, let me flow; let me flow with you, to the vast sea, where you will forever be with me, in every drop, every moment! I want to go there mamma, please don’t say no, please…

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